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July 2008 |
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● Small Groups ... Main Page / Parents / Articles /"Why Sex Makes Us Feel Grown Up" By Susan Den Herder
It’s easy to see why sex would appear to be a quick fix in achieving these goals of development. Rather than actually engaging in more mature emotional relationships with peers (which would require work), why not engage in what seems like a very “mature” way to relate to another boy or girl by simply engaging in sexual behavior? Isn’t it also much easier to assert one’s masculinity or femininity by defining it sexually rather than exploring the mental, social, emotional and spiritual implications of one’s sexuality? Why are they so excited by these imposters? I believe it’s because—despite the Surgeon General’s warning—young people still see smoking as something cool, hip and grown up. I, too, as a child was victim to the allure of candy cigarettes and cigarette gum that blew powdered sugar into the air. I even cut drinking straws into cigarette length and pretended to smoke while I rode my bike (read: “drove my car”) around the driveway. I was desperate to be adult-like, which was obvious by the games I chose to play: We played house and pretended to be mothers; we played dress up and clomped around in our mothers’ old heels and prom dresses; we went shopping at the fake grocery store; we taught imaginary schoolchildren how to read and write; we glued plastic fingernails to our hands…all in an effort to be, look or do something “grown up.” We spent most of our early years wishing we were older than we were. However, as the years go by and young people reach adolescence it is no longer acceptable to play pretend. Suddenly the choices become much more real. Will I smoke a cigarette now that it could actually affect my health? Will I engage in a sexual relationship now that I could actually become a parent? Certainly, in the crazy years of adolescence, these decisions and their consequences do not seem quite so straightforward. However, it still seems that the desire to be/look/act grown up is a strong one, especially in the area of sexuality. I distinctly remember the first time I saw a friend pull out her pack of The Pill. Frankly, I was in awe. I didn’t even agree with her decision to have sex with her boyfriend, but it didn’t matter. Somehow that little package of blue and white tablets made her seem so much more mature, so much more … sophisticated. What is it that gives sex a certain aura of sophistication? And, more importantly, are young women today misusing sex to assert their maturity? In her book, Promiscuities, Naomi Wolf suggests that other cultures are much more intentional and successful at welcoming girls into womanhood with rite, ritual and celebration. Women in other cultures endure rigorous physical challenges, dance, sing and celebrate with their entire family and neighborhood for days on end when they arrive at the designated age. On the other hand, Wolf describes what an American girl gets as merely an awkward conversation with her mother about blood and maybe a word about not getting pregnant. Subsequently, she proposes, American girls resort to sex as a way to assert that they have become women. Sadly, this is where the value in Wolf’s book comes to an end. Further conclusions center on a balance between promiscuity and experimentation. Still, the point remains that without healthy ways of expressing and celebrating their sexuality, young women may turn to sexual relationships as a way of affirming their developing bodies and souls. A closer look at this stage of adolescent development offers more insight into why teenagers might turn to sexual relationships to assert their pending adulthood. In a fact sheet on the developmental tasks of adolescence, Daniel F. Perkins (University of Florida—Department of Family, Youth and Community Sciences) presents eight developmental tasks facing adolescents as they “create a stable identity and become complete and productive adults.” Five of the eight identified tasks seem particularly relevant to the discussion of sexuality: It’s easy to see why sex would appear to be a quick fix in achieving these goals of development. Rather than actually engaging in more mature emotional relationships with peers (which would require work), why not engage in what seems like a very “mature” way to relate to another boy or girl by simply engaging in sexual behavior? Isn’t it also much easier to assert one’s masculinity or femininity by defining it sexually rather than exploring the mental, social, emotional and spiritual implications of one’s sexuality? And, of course, an obvious shortcut to accepting one’s physique is to let someone else interact with your body and assume if he/she likes it, it must be okay. And so it goes. Meanwhile, young people shortchange themselves in significant ways if they take an instant-gratification approach to major life questions. The exploration of these questions—What do adult friendships look like? What does it mean to be a man/woman? How should I interact with my body? What do I believe? How should I think about being a father/mother?—is an exciting and imperative part not only of growing up but also of developing a coherent Christian worldview. Belief and behavior come head to head in the adolescent years and young people are forced to make decisions based on what they have decided they believe apart from their parents. An intentional effort to seek answers through Scripture will not only contribute to one’s emotional development but will most definitely bring a young person to a better understanding of God Himself. In reference to the goal of “preparing for marriage and family life,” Perkins points out: “Achievement of this developmental task is difficult because adolescents often confuse sexual feelings with genuine intimacy.” True intimacy, then, according to author and youth leader Dick Purnell, “includes all the different dimensions of our lives—yes, the physical, but also the social, emotional, mental and spiritual aspects as well. Intimacy really means total life sharing … I believe what we really want is not sex. What we really want is intimacy” (Sex and the Search for Intimacy). Intimacy by that definition, however, is not easily achieved. And so we see young people desperate for intimate relationships using their bodies to achieve one in the quickest and easiest way possible. Purnell continues: “One of our problems is that we want ‘instant’ gratification. When the need for intimacy is not met, we look for an ‘instant’ solution. Where do we look? Physical, mental, social, emotional or spiritual? It’s the physical. It is easier to be physically intimate with someone than to be intimate with someone in any of the other four areas. You can become physically intimate with a person of the opposite sex in an hour, or half-hour … But you soon discover that sex may only be a temporary relief for a superficial desire. There is a much deeper need that is still unmet.” Young people can make disappointing—and even devastating—choices about sex and their bodies during adolescence. But what they’re really after is intimacy: lasting, committed, vulnerable, dynamic, holistic relationships. It’s easy to get frustrated watching a young person navigate their sexuality through the teen years, but it’s helpful to keep in mind that what they truly desire is to know and be known in the deepest ways. This desire for intimacy can be achieved at home through loving family relationships in part, but during the complex years of achieving independence young people are likely to search elsewhere to fulfill these desires. And when they start looking at the world around them, they are likely to find in music, media and movies the message that cool, mature, sophisticated people have sex. Look at Hollywood marriages (and break ups). Watch The OC. Check out a rerun of Sex and the City. Walk past any magazine stand at the grocery store or any window of Victoria’s Secret. You don’t even have to go as far as late night commercials and MTV programming to hear the voices of culture telling young people that adults—and cool, mature teenagers—have sex. “It’s simple, it’s casual, it’s no big deal.” Paula Rinehart offers a good dose of truth in her book, Strong Women Soft Hearts. “Certainly, we have all suffered from the futile attempt of the last 30 years to make sex a stand-alone commodity—as though it can be gored of its emotional and spiritual aspects. Sex can be treated as something that is about as personal as two airplanes refueling—just another way to connect for the moment. But our humanity shows up, and the emptiness speaks of something wrong, something missing … No matter how much our culture tries to pretend, we cannot keep ourselves from realizing that sex has both context and meaning—that in a sexual encounter, we are standing at the edge of something holy.” So what do we do with the young people we love and lead? Try to control what they watch and listen to during the same years they’re trying so hard to gain control of those very things? Probably not. Again, the central learning here is that the deeper need and desire is for intimacy. As fallen people, we are afraid of intimacy, afraid of being known, and afraid of making ourselves vulnerable before others. As young people attempt to move closer to their peers, they will inevitably be hurt and want to retract and find other ways to scratch the itch for intimate relationships. We can discerningly offer them opportunities to take on more adult responsibilities and choices, communicate openly about God’s design for sex and its ability in the proper context to fulfill our desire for intimate relationship, and point them to the one God who can offer them true and perfect intimacy. Sex is sophisticated. But not because it requires trips to Student Health for birth control or because it pairs well with cigarettes or alcohol. Sex is sophisticated because it is a complex, holy and intimate experience that engages us physically, emotionally … and spiritually.
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I work in a store that sells (among many other things) fake cigarettes that send a cloud of smoke-like powder into the air when you blow into them. You may have already guessed that the customers who are most quickly drawn to them are the youngest ones. When kids try these clever toys and successfully send a first puff into the room their faces light up